Chapter Five – Confessions of a Guilty Mother and Chocoholic

8 days into lent and my own personal enforced rule to give up one of my favourite friends, the king of sweets, Mr Ripple himself, oh yes sexy times, yep you guessed it chocolate. Lent. Oh yes what a great time to give up ‘something’ (you don’t even go to church, they say), especially something you may have too much of a love for. Ho ho ho– good luck with that one twinkle toes. I am sat at a desk. Some clever guy has been on holiday and grabbed the Toblerone mini bag as they skipped onto their plane. Something ‘lovely’ for their colleagues. It really is a kind thing to do and everyone loves a treat from overseas. Colleague. That really is the worst word on the planet by the way, colleague Say it, go on, out loud, 10 times. Colleague. Well that and moist are up there with my worst words.

I sit. They are winking at me. I know. Mental. But they are, a gold one and a white one. Both of them at the same time winking at me. Two mini Toblerones winking from inside their cosy shiny bag. So crazy. But true. Its 4 o’ clock.  Danger. Anyone who has ever worked at a desk, will know this is the danger zone when it comes to sugar and treats and yes you guessed it the guy, yep that guy, Mr Chocolate especially if he is bloody winking at you.

On this day I work , my baby is being looked after by my wonderful childminders, but she is sick and I am ridden with guilt. Book of Dad has to go to work too. We are both self employed and have a mortgage and bills and bla and commitments and bla. Baby T wasn’t so sick that we had to have her at home, but she was sick still and she is my baby and I want to look after her but freelancing you have to commit, work and be your best throw in a radio show too and I am commited.

Ahhhh – HERE it is. The Mum Guilt. I would hear this in my non parental days and be like – eeeerrr yeaaaaah liiiiiiiiikkkkeee whateverrrrrrrr. But this was my first time proper feeling it. It floods your being. Its proper you guessed it, Guilt.

The childminder rings, advises T has been sick, she will keep an eye and I should come if she is sick still in a little while. I advise my boss that I may need to escape, she is kind and says fine. I get another call in an hour saying she is better. Phew.

I work but in the back of my mind I think about how I should be with her, drop the job and run to her aid with cuddles, snuggles and strokes. I text regularly and am told she is fine. I feel nothing but, guilt.

Fuck it. The Toblerones get it, in quick succession I might I add. There is a third one giving me the eye, but I tell him to sod off. I get home. I hug baby T, read her a story and she sleeps. Tomorrow, I don’t work and I serenade her with love and hugs – this is my goal of the day – even if I achieve nothing else.

I will now embrace that guilt. The guilt means simply I give a damn, I care. I am doing my best and that is the best I can do.

As for the chocolate – well our little love tussle will continue. I should feel bleeding guilty about one, I have embraced that guy for too many years. Like Shakira says, My Hips don’t lie. As the wise words once said, JUST SAY NO. From Monday that is the plan is complete abstinence until Easter. Jesus won’t mind. I hope. #guilty